THIS IS GOING TO BE VERY LONG. DO NOT START READING IF YOU DON’T HAVE 10 MINUTES TO SPARE. ^^
You know what? Mommy is crying right now. It broke my heart so much when I heard you cry when I had to leave to go to work. I hurriedly turned my back because I didn’t want to see your face that time anymore. I might just break into tears in front of you and I dont want you to see me that way.
I know that I have not been able to play longer with you recently because of my schedule transition and I have to adjust to it again. Yes, I know that you might have been happy with the last toy I bought for you but it’s still better if you will play it with Mama everyday, right?
You know baby this is the worst feeling. Not being able to take care of you because I always have to leave for work. Mama didn’t intend for things to happen this way. This was not what I wanted. This is not what we planned.
I remember, even before you were created, your Papa and I planned for you. We wanted to have you so badly. You are NOT an unwanted baby like some of them might think about you. We felt that you are the missing link in our lives and we thought everything will go smoothly that time.
We were wrong. I WAS WRONG. I thought Mama could endure being your Papa’s loved mistress until the time comes that we can be legally married. Yes, your Papa lied to me at first about his supposedly annuled marriage. Mama wouldn’t have been there in the first place if I knew about this. It was already too late when I learned about it from your grandma. I was already madly in love.
Your Papa was a great man. I loved him with all my heart. He swept me off my feet and was able to convince me to stay with him. I thought I was the strongest young woman in the whole wide world at that time and can never be moved but because of your Papa, I became weak. Your Papa’s UBER smartness and sweetness was really amazing. He was twice my dominance, twice my intelligence, and twice my cunningness. He has a way with everything. He was the most handsome guy for me that time and his charm carries everything. I have other personal reasons why I accepted to come with him, reasons that can’t be written here. In short, I gave in and that’s when we decided to build a family and thought we could live happily ever after.
You probably wouldn’t understand why I had to leave him after everything that I have sacrificed. It just hurt so much living with him knowing that he still has another girlfriend working as a nurse in K.S.A. You’re right again baby. Your Papa lied to me about it again at first. Mama discovered this truth and since then we were never the same. I packed my things everytime we had a major fight and always thought of going back home but he would always stop me. The fifth pack up was our first official break up. You were three months old in my belly then when I walked out of his door, shaking.
It was the same month three years ago when your father fought so hard to win Mama back. He broke up with his nurse girlfriend, he cut his hair, he found a new job and he promised to work something out for our marriage. I became soft again.
After a month I went back together with him trying to live a clean slate. I also thought that was possible. We were trying to put up together shattered pieces of a broken vase. We both realized it was difficult to not bring up anything from the past, not to mention some added minor religion, third party and sex issues. Our fights were never ending. Love waxed cold. There’s not a week that passed that Mama wouldn’t cry while you were still in my tummy.
When I finally gave birth to you my life became brighter. The fights continued but I have been positive. I felt I was the happiest person in the whole world. I fought for our family to stay together. I stayed where I was but as you continually grew you lit my path and that time Mama was able to see clearer that it’s already time to let it go. After a thousand on and off’s, we separated.
I want you to know baby that I have no regrets in my life today. I am still happy to have met your Papa in my life. I am writing this letter to you now not to give you a negative impression about your Papa and also not to defend myself. I want you to investigate and learn on your own when you grow up. He might have his own version of the story and that’s okay. If not because of him I wouldn’t have you now. I couldn’t imagine my life without you anymore. I might have made wrong decisions in the past but the One above has been very kind to me to continually bless me with a very supportive family and friends who never judged me for what I did in the past.
So this is where we are. We are surviving but Mama feels sad that I miss almost 12 hours of your growing life everyday. My prayer is my only tool left that gives me comfort everytime I cry and my only prayer is your safety and your health alone. I want you to grow up and enjoy life the way Mama is enjoying it now. I want you to understand that Mama might be crying now but I will never lose hope because you are the reason why I live and I promise you I will continue to fight this battle called life.
Thank you baby for your heartfelt hugs and kisses. You don’t know how much it completes Mama’s day everytime you do that. Thank you for accompanying me at church every Sunday morning. You look cute today by the way.